Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
