So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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