The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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