So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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