I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
