Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
