I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
