We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
