come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
