You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
