I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
