So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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