no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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