There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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