just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
