There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
