the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
