it hurts more in the daytime
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
