Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
