tell your sister to shave her snatch
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
