I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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