I wish my penis had an off switch
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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