only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
