it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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