remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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