i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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