dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
