I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
