we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
