how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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