I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
How naked do you want me to be?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
