Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Randomize
