If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
