There was a lot of him and a little penis
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
