I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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