I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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