I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
