He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
