they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
