Got a toothbrush?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
