Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
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Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
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This is my gift to your gina
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.