my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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