In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
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You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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