actually, I'm a sock model
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
