my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off