Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.