we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
