how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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