When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
