I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
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mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
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I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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