whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Pants are for mortals
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
