i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
