I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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