Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
