it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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