Why does Corona taste like a burp?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
