He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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