his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
