i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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