You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
