I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Let's paint friendship bongs
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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