What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
