Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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